This is how you lose her.
You lose her when you forget to remember the little things that mean the world to her: the sincerity in a stranger’s voice during a trip to the grocery, the delight of finding something lost or forgotten like a sticker from when she was five, the selflessness of a child giving a part of his meal to another, the scent of new books in the store, the surprise short but honest notes she tucks in her journal and others you could only see if you look closely.
You must remember when she forgets.
You lose her when you don’t notice that she notices everything about you: your use of the proper punctuation that tells her continuation rather than finality, your silence when you’re about to ask a question but you think anything you’re about to say to her would be silly, your mindless humming when it is too quiet, your handwriting when you sign your name in blank sheets of paper, your muted laughter when you are trying to be polite, and more and more of what you are, which you don’t even know about yourself, because she pays attention.
She remembers when you forget.
You lose her for every second you make her feel less and less of the beauty that she is. When you make her feel that she is replaceable. She wants to feel cherished. When you make her feel that you are fleeting. She wants you to stay. When you make her feel inadequate. She wants to know that she is enough and she does not need to change for you, nor for anyone else because she is she and she is beautiful, kind and good.
You must learn her.
You must know the reason why she is silent. You must trace her weakest spots. You must write to her. You must remind her that you are there. You must know how long it takes for her to give up. You must be there to hold her when she is about to.
You must love her because many have tried and failed. And she wants to know that she is worthy to be loved, that she is worthy to be kept.
And, this is how you keep her.Sigh.
Everyday, day and night
before i left for berkeley, i remembered what i did after school every single day. i would go to town and buy makeup. i bought lipsticks, blushers, mascaras, brushes, eyeshadows, more blushers- even the ones i didn’t really like because i nearly bought them all. makeup-shopping was cathartic for me. then i would head home and watch youtube videos on how to depot single eyeshadows into the 24 pan shadow holder. i did this every single day. once, i stood at the makeup counter wanting to make a purchase, and all of a sudden i felt very silly and most of all lonely- i didn’t need all these makeup yet here i am, spending all my time with people obligated to talk me into spending money. but they talked to me nonetheless, and that’s all i wanted, some sort of companionship. i started to feel a strong urge to cry so i walked away without buying anything. it was the first day in months i went home empty handed.
i never went makeup shopping alone after berkeley. those trips were not necessary anymore. i had friends who wanted to be my friends. i realize i’m just not a very good one. it is painful, but i grew to understand that everyone i love will leave me. and i learn to sit and watch them leave as they always do. it is too painful to fight.
i went and bought another useless blush today.
finally done with classes for this semester. this spring, I felt the same emotions I once did 3 years ago when I first joined UB. making small talk, meeting new friends, wishing I wasn’t so awkward around strangers. oh well i’m glad it’s finally over and glad I made new friends. also glad I finally saw how much of an asshole you are. heart&soul my fucking ass.
I spent half of the afternoon today trying to give myself a decent looking French manicure. I failed. but it’s okay because I have so many free days ahead to try again!!! ahh I love the holidays. so many things I want to do.. sleep as much as I want, finish up 1Q84, play 94 seconds all day, gym a little/ sign up for Pilates. I am tired of being sick all the time so I shall try to live healthier (says me who agreed to having our own version of double down with Ed tmr). Ahh bumming days ahead. I welcome you with open arms.
time to gush about you. can’t help it but I always need to write something down so I can remember it. you with your chubby cheeks and big watery eyes. I love you so much. I think it’s funny that you found a head that’s bigger than yours (mr entertainer’s, not mine). and I think I am the luckiest person to have found a heart as big as yours. this love has filled my entire being and it keeps growing.
so so lucky to be loved by you.